Mass Effect : One shots
by harby
Summary: Mostly funny things, cracks, etc. With a healthy dose of renegade. Allergy warning : may contain traces of smut.
1. Sammy's Flattery

_A/N : This is a quick one-shot for this kinky kinkmeme :_

 _"Samantha Traynor gets sooooo cute and flustered when she gets flattered by unattainable goddesses like EDI or Shepard (or Ashley, or Miranda... all of the confident, competent ladies) in public. But it also makes her super-horny. And *of course* they know what it's doing to her."_

.

* * *

The last piece of Liara's lab coat fell on Shepard's cabin floor.

* twelve orgasms later each *

"Damn... You're perfect."  
In response, Liara purred and cuddled around her.  
Later, she asked "Shepard... you are thinking about something naughty right now."  
"Love, we should do something for specialist Traynor's birthday... she seems so awkward and lonely..."  
Liara blushed so much Shepard giggled.  
"Liara, I wasn't suggesting a threesome, you know..."

Shepard reached for the Sexy Shadow Broker mask and slid it on Liara's face. Her expression changed, the shy maiden giving way to the ruthless information broker.

"Good. We're all going to hit on her and drive her crazy with lust."  
"Oh, Liara, I love when you talk dirty to me !..."  
"Now Shepard, you know what happens when you put this mask on me. Get in position for your spanking."

* * *

Samantha was at her post in the CIC, simultaneously cursing and blessing Cerberus engineers for those little four-step stairs which, at the moment, put her Commander's butt exactly level with her eyes. She shivered. She loved it so much when her Commander talked to her from this position ; the height advantage enhancing her natural charisma and domineering presence.  
 _And her breasts looked even perkier seen from below._  
When Shepard turned towards her, Samantha almost instinctively kneeled. Shepard leaned forward slightly while speaking, dramatically enhancing her effect.  
"Samantha, this intel you pulled was a _very hot_ find. Thank you."  
Splosh. Drip.

* * *

In the cockpit, Jeff was helping EDI learn about organics.  
"Mister Moreau, with the latest parameters, my sensors registered a 2°C temperature rise in specialist Traynor's midsection."  
The infrared scans showed up on the monitor. Sam seemed to be on fire.  
"That's awesome, EDI. Now remember what I said. Take your original voice, add just a bit of Liara's prude tone, and from those educational videos I showed you... and find the sweet spot, right ?"  
EDI answered, in a slightly sexier voice : "I will try this setting."  
On the monitor, Sam's knees bent slightly.  
"Alright, she's ready. Add a zest of Miranda's cold-bitchiness."  
Sam had to hang on to her terminal. Jeff swore he could hear something making a wet noise. He high-fived himself.

* * *

Samantha needed to eat and replenish her fluids. She was carrying her tray in the mess, looking for a quiet place.  
Then, she overheard Samara. "Traynor... yes... a very competent individual, but she may overwork herself... Perhaps I should suggest we meditate together."  
Sploosh.  
"Ha ! I know what she fucking needs !" Jack smirked, her mouth full, a nipple flashing to Samantha.

* * *

By the end of the day, Samantha was lounging in the lounge, trying to vent the steam off from between her legs. Talking with anyone would turn her on, but staying silent and doing nothing let her mind race about things that would also turn her on.  
And she had ran out of dry panties.

The door opened.

"Specialist Traynor... Samantha ?"  
"Yes, doctor T'Soni ?"  
Liara sat down besides Samantha, perhaps a bit too close, and blushed. "I... this is embarrassing. Since you... I wanted to ask about ..."  
 _Lord. Her voice is even sexier when she's whispering. I want to be Shepard's ear. I wonder if she also whispers to her crotch... aaargh..._

"Samantha... did you hear what I just said ?"  
"Uh ? I..."  
Liara blushed an even deeper shade of purple.  
"Well, I may need advice about... _things_ I could do to my dear Commander... you seem to be * _very*_ knowledgeable in this field..."  
The floodgates opened. Sploosh.  
Liara drew out her datapad, ready to take notes.

 _If I run away she'll see the puddle I'm sitting on right now... I'm so glad those seats are leather and not fabric, though..._

* * *

There was something in her bed.  
It was deliciously warm, silky smooth, and naked. She poked a bit.

"Mmh ? Hi ! I'm Kelly. How are you ? You smell good !"

Sploosh.

Kelly went on "I came to visit, and EDI assigned me to this bunk... said something about a gift...


	2. Renegade Crew

_A/N : During ME1, Shepard used to be an efficient, ruthless renegade, making her foes cower in fear. However, Cerberus massively screwed up her resurrection : she is now a lovely little peach, a gentle paragon. All her crew, though, are renegade assholes, including EDI. Shepard tries to limit collateral damage, and generally fails. And,_ _Liara is part of the crew, just because._

 _This mini crack fic was inspired by "Shepard: Mass Murderer" by thebluninja, and "Ship-sinking in the Galaxy" by maverick1971kit._

 _._

* * *

 **Normandy : Shuttle Bay**

Shepard was briefing Grunt and Zaeed about their next mission, pacing the room while talking, and stopping once in a while, her foot nervously tapping the floor.

"Please, please, _please_ , not like last time, OK ? We get inside that ship, and rescue the hostage. Period."

Zaeed had a mean chuckle while pretending to check his rifle. Grunt smirked "Commander, don't worry. It can't possibly go worse than last time. He, he."

Shepard answered with a _gonna kill you_ stare. "I know ! That's the whole fucking point !"

.

* * *

 **Normandy : Mordin's Lab**

This was the best place to come for relationship advice.

Kelly had gently offered her shoulder for Liara to cry on. She was holding her and trying to cheer her up, while Mordin and Jack were standing around, doing their best, but Liara was having a really serious breakdown. Kelly's shirt was soaked with tears already, and Liara showed no signs of stopping.

Liara sobbed. "You know... I love Shepard so, so much ! And she doesn't seem interested !"

Jack pragmatically observed "Liara, you had mind-sex with almost everyone on this ship _except_ Shepard."

This threw poor Liara into an even worse sobbing fit. Eventually, after sniffling something enormous and swallowing it, she managed "Y-you know, we asari can only cum while melding... so we _need_ friends with benefits... otherwise we j-j-just go insane. But Shepard is d-different !"

Mordin confirmed. "Yes. Asari maidens always frustrated. Obsessed. Explains the dancing and whoring. Research opportunity ? Open for some tests ? Need date rape drug ?"

Kelly absent-mindedly put her hand on her crest, which resulted in a shiver, and a completely desperate "Please stop, it turns me on !"

Kelly suggested "Maybe if you did more missions with Shepard ?..."

"I'm an archaeologist, not a soldier ! Last time, Shepard ran out of medigel because of me, I was so ashamed !"

As Kelly was about to propose a private consultation, Liara sobbed "I love her so much, I'd do anything for her ! I'd kill for her !"

EDI's hologram glowed red for a second as she asked "How many ?"

While Liara wondered what she could honestly answer to that, they heard the Super-Thanix cannon charging, then firing three full power shots with a sharp "pang". A muffled "Bullseye !" came through from Garrus' gun control room.

EDI informed "Mission accomplished.".

"I may have projected that Shepard's choice of squadmates for the next mission would have left no survivors anyway. I remind you, last time, Grunt ate what remained of the hostage after frying everyone to a crisp with napalm grenades."

"Liara, Shepard will soon be alone, very depressed in her cabin, and in need of … counseling. I suggest you take advantage of this opportunity."

Liara cheered up. "Really ? Oh, EDI, you are such a great friend ! Thank you !"

After cleaning up her face, she rushed to the elevator, Kelly and Jack in tow. When they reached Shepard's cabin door, small sobs could be heard through, and Liara froze, too shy to go in.

Kelly whispeder "Come on... She's too nice to say no to anyone... but you're the only one to actually deserve her."

"I... I can't..."

Kelly did what she had to. Namely, she grabbed Liara, covered her neck with burning kisses and caressed her crest until she began to moan and lose control, then she kicked the door open, and shoved Liara through.

Jack and Kelly giggled, locked the door from the outside, high-fived, and ran away.

.

* * *

 _A/N : More incoming, depending on inspiration. Suggestions or ideas welcome (via Review or PM !). More innocents need to die._


End file.
